feels, thoughts

Thoughts and Feelings April 15th, 2017

Almost a week ago, I got the guts to start blogging about my experience with ADHD. I didn’t think that it would help me as much as it has…

Its given me a space to get my thoughts and feelings out. It has helped me to put my thoughts in to actual words.

I think that sometimes I bottle up my feelings, and then I have a habit of getting overwhelmed when they finally boil over.

This has been happening a lot more often than I would like lately. I am getting overwhelmed with feelings that I have been pushing down for years. YEARS. Things that I thought that I was over, things that I never wanted to think about again, things. Things. Things.

I can’t even begin to describe how overwhelming my brain can be. It’s gotten to the point where at times, I feel like I am just a burden to the world. I feel like no matter what I do it doesn’t cut it, because I can’t focus enough to do everything I was “supposed” to do.

My ADHD is THE WORST. It causes me to have anxiety, depression, and just general overwhelm of my senses on a regular basis.

I just wish that for one day my head would slow down. That I would be able to not have so many feelings at once. I want to be able to think.
Focus.

Feel.

Live.

Living is hard when your brain never stops running. Its hard because I don’t sleep. Its hard because I am so restless. I want to just spend time doing one thing at a time, but I cant. Even as I am writing this, I have a podcast on in the background, and I am looking over the laptop screen at what game my wife is playing, and thinking about what my dogs are doing behind me.

I’m constantly reminded of my inability to focus by the state of my house, and the state of my own body. I need to write down when I shower, I have issues with doing that on a regular basis. If I do not make a to-do list every single day, absolutely nothing would get done in my house.

My to-do list from yesterday failed. I got distracted by the weather, and facebook, and that really screwed up my entire day. After realizing that I got sucked in to other things, I sat down and binge watched netflix, which was not the plan, but I needed to do something that would hopefully help my brain not focus on what a failure I was… And at that point, the day was not even half over!

I struggle. A. LOT. I struggle with negative thoughts about myself, and they start from the moment I wake up, and do not stop until the moment I am asleep. I can’t help it. I just want to be able to put my mind to something, and for it to go smoothly. Unfortunately, that’s not life.

Life.

I feel like I am constantly trapped in a cycle. I will do well for a bit, and then I will suddenly get distracted, or rather something will discourage me, and that sets my brain off and I can’t gain back that focus that I had.

I need to get some sleep. Real. Sleep. Not this bullshit tossing and turning. Not this bullshit I wake up 10 times in the night to go pee, or because I hear a noise, or I can’t breathe.

Sleep. Peace. Quiet. Sleep.

I just want to be in a place where I can handle my feelings. Where I am not drowning in things to do. Where I do not feel like I want to die all the time, because no one understands me.

The only place that exists is in my dreams. Lately, even my dreams have been infected with these negative thoughts. This overwhelm is taking over my safe space.

How much longer can I handle this?

I guess you will have to stay tuned.

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