What is the meaning of life? What makes life worth living? Why do we do things that lead to nothing?
All of these questions and more have spun through my head in the past few days. I am beginning to think that I need to reach out. Ask for help. But with what? Will anyone believe me? How do you even begin to explain what is going on in my head?
Is my life a lie? How do I even know what is real anymore? Is this just the medicine talking? I have no clue anymore what I am supposed to think. I am overwhelmed, overworked, and I don’t know what I am even doing.
I do this to myself. I am the one choosing to take on so much, but I have to. I don’t have a choice. If I don’t distract myself the sounds in my head are deafening. They never stop. I don’t get a break.
I’m not pretty enough. I’m too fat. I’m stupid. I can’t do anything right. I don’t even know how to take care of myself, why the hell would I think that I am ready to take on studying. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know who I am.
If you are reading this, I am figuring all this out. Writing things out. Getting things out. I know there are places to talk to. I know who I can go to if I need anything. I understand what my options are. I promise you, anonymous reader, I am safe.
Safe. The dictionary definition of the word safe… it has three different ones, but the one that applies here is:
I feel hurt because I hurt others. I hurt my wife. I hurt her family. I hurt my family. and I hurt my friends. I feel like I am not even really sure where to start talking about all of this. I don’t want to go back in time. I want to focus on the future, and say that everything will be 100% fine. To say that I will eventually be able to get myself to a functioning state, would probably be a lie though. Looking at my own family as an example would show you that.
I want to say that I am going to get through whatever this is that I am feeling, but I don’t know that I will. It feels like a tunnel. It feels like I am on a train going so fast… but the tunnel never ends. I would be lying if I said that I am ok. I would be lying if I said that I’ve never thought about how this could end. I don’t want it to end like this. I want to be happy again. I want to feel loved.
I want to move forward. Unfortunately the record in my head has gotten stuck somewhere and is stuck repeating the past. Stuck telling me all the things I could do better. Telling me about all the people I have let down. All the things I should have done. Fucking hell. I try my best to be this positive person, but in my head will be the death of me.
I never went through anything traumatic as a child… If you don’t count my parents divorcing and my mom remarrying someone who emotionally abused me, because they don’t know how to show they care. If you don’t count watching my step-mom go in and out of the hospital almost dying. If you leave out the fact that my grandma was my best friend, and when she died, I felt like I lost a piece of myself. Then again I lost a piece of myself when my grandpa passed.
When I lost my grandma, that was when I first really started giving up on life… but when I lost my grandpa…. That was when I realized that I had no life anymore. No friends. No one who understands. I was alone. My thoughts have eaten me alive since then. Its been almost 7.5 years since that happened. I can’t get the image out of my head. I can’t stop that record from repeating.
I remember that day. I remember calling, texting, crying. and no one cared. My family didn’t understand. My mom, well she understands, but not really. She CONSTANTLY told me before his death that it would be my fault, that I was stressing him out, that I would give him a heart attack. And, as if it was fate, he died… of a heart attack in his sleep.
I did it. I killed him. My inability to handle my shit, killed my best friend, and only ally in the world. Now, I have my wife…. but thats a whole other story.
My wife, well, she hasn’t always been my wife. In the beginning she was my husband. and I am proud that she is able to live her truth, I am happy that she told me, but I would be a liar if I said that there is a part of me that wishes that she would have left the issue alone.
To be honest, I wish she would have known in the beginning. I think it would have made things easier for me. Its not that I don’t love her. Its just that, I have been feeling for a LONG time, that she doesn’t love me. That things have been off. I have been feeling like she wants to leave. She swears that isn’t the issue, that she is just having issues with herself. I believe that. But it’s hard not to blame myself for some of that.
I’m not the most attractive fish in the pond. I am about 200lbs over weight. I don’t take care of myself, and I never have clothes to wear. There is no reason for her to stay with me. Now that she is honest with who she is, living her truth, she is beautiful. Skinny, tall, gorgeous eyes. Takes care of herself, has more skills with makeup than I ever will.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I have no idea what my life is worth anymore. I don’t know why I am here. But I am not going to give up, until I find out. So, dear reader, get ready to go on a journey with me, in to places that I never wanted to go.