I wanna heal…

I wanna feel what I thought was never real. I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long.

Yes. I did just quote Linkin Park.

I was also saddened by the shocking news of Chester Bennington’s death. Many loving fans have shared how the band has changed their life, or what Chester’s words meant to them.

If that is what you were looking for, well, I unfortunately don’t have that for you. What I am willing to share is that their songs have been a part of my life since I was just 8 years old, and since then the songs have only served as a good tool for me to use when I am in my darkest places.

I am able to relate to A LOT of their songs. Assuming that Chester was not lying, when he talked about his life in interviews I can confirm that there are a lot of similarities between his and my own life.

In case you wanted to listen to the song and watch the video that the lyrics above came from, here it is:

Today I need to get some feelings off my chest so that I am able to hopefully let go of some of the pain. I am sure that this is not a blog for everyone, so if you are not interested in reading on, I would not blame you. Those of you that stick it out though will get a surprise at the end though! (and yes, you can scroll to the end and not read and still get the surprise. I won’t blame you. )

I will start by talking about the good things from today, as thats always a happy note. Today I have been successful in a lot of ways.

I was able to figure out our budget, and make it balanced so that we *hopefully* are able to move into the new apartment that we are in the top few places of the queue for. (I say “hopefully” because the chances of us moving depend on a few things. 1. We need to find out if we can bring our cable with us. If the apartment has an “exclusive” contract with another company, we will not be able to move. and 2. We need to be the first people in the queue. Right now we are at the “top” of the list. We are in the top 16. BUT that means that IF the other 15 people ahead of us say yes, then it will take the first person, and then we get nothing. )

The apartment is 100% what we are looking for, and its a really decent price for what we would get, so my fingers are crossed that when I call the company who owns it tomorrow morning they will have an answer for me, about our cable situation, so we can either say yes or no. (and if we say yes that the others on the list ahead of us say no)

I was also able to take care of my dog, who was sick today. It’s a scary situation when your dog is puking every few minutes. We have finally got her feeling better by feeding her a little chicken and rice every few hours. I feel better that she is not getting sick anymore, and that is a success.

Moly was SO mad at me because I would not let her go bark at the mailman.

I also am getting on here blogging again, and getting things out. So that is another positive thing! Yesterday night I went to meet some friends, and that was a lot of fun!

Now to the part where I get everything off my chest:

1. Sometimes I feel like I am not in a relationship at all. I feel like I live with a roommate. This is mostly because my wife, is dealing with her own emotions, and her way of dealing with it causes me to feel isolated. We have discussed this and are taking actions to try to fix it. Hopefully this feeling will improve in the near future.

2. There have been many times in the past 5 years where I wondered if I did the right thing by moving to Sweden. A lot of the times I have been able to refute the thoughts because I have had a lot of good come out of me moving here. But there have also been quite a few things that cause the doubts to come back more often. My biggest reason right now is surprisingly not connected to point number 1. I miss my family, I miss my friends, and as much as I feel like I am moving forward here, a lot of the time I feel very unsuccessful.

Yes, I accomplish little things every day. Yes, I move forward a few steps in my journey with my health each month, and I am moving forward with school. (despite the fact that I failed almost the entire last term) But I still feel worlds behind my peers back home. I feel worlds behind my cousins, and I feel like a disappointment to my family.

I am very happy here, and I have gotten a LOT of things figured out in my life since moving here, so I would definitely not move home. It is just hard sometimes to handle the feeling that I am disappointing everyone.

3. I am not ever going to look like a model, and I need to accept that. As much as I have always said that I do not care about looks, when my wife came out, I instantly felt insecure. I felt this instinct to compete. I felt like I was not good enough. I have always felt very insecure about myself. Growing up seeing my mother always dieting, and even myself drinking slimfast at 10 years old definitely did not help with that in the slightest.

As much as I can say that I have improved my health since I moved here, I can also say that I have gone up significantly in weight since moving to Sweden, due to the stress of life. (Not having a job, Having to start over with my studies from high school, and my diverse medical issues have definitely caused more stress than I would like to admit)

If I am to be totally fair though, my eating habits have gotten significantly better since moving here though. So while my stress has gone up, I am eating a LOT healthier, and still feeling physically and mentally better than when I was back home. (for the most part. Not being able to find clothes in my size in the normal stores (read: stores that are meant for women in my age range) has been a HUGE strain on my own self image)

I have wanted to be model beautiful for as long as I can remember. I wanted to be that girl, who graduated high school, and came back 10 years later thinner, and more successful than anyone could have imagined. Its time for me to accept that my life has taken a different path, and that while I may not have taken a conventional path, as long as I am happy, it does not matter what others think or say.

4. I still have 0 idea of what I want to do. I am seriously considering journalism, with a focus on world events and politics. (specifically in the middle eastern region) Although I am constantly drawn back to US politics. (funny, as I have no desire to ever live in the US again)

I think its important that I try to let go of this idea that I need to know right now exactly what I should be doing. I know that my wife, and many of my peers already have a good career, and have started working in their dream field, but I am not a bad person, or any less just because I am still figuring myself out.

As silly as this may be, I think this song fits really well with where I feel I am in life:

5. My ADHD is a blessing and a curse. In a lot of ways I am hindered by my ADHD. It definitely puts a strain on relationships. It also makes things quite a bit more difficult because I am unable to focus long enough to actually take in the necessary information at times.

Its a blessing because it leads me to learn new things every day. I have learned about cultures, and languages that I never knew existed as a child. I have tried so many different things in my life all because my ADHD forces me to be creative, and think outside the box.

6. I have a bad habit of connecting my feelings to my reactions. Rather than reacting based on a rational thought, I tend to impulsively just say what I am thinking, and if I feel emotional, whether it be angry, sad, or overjoyed, I will let all that emotion and energy determine how I handle a situation.

This does several things that I have found are not helpful. First, it makes me very wordy. I talk a LOT. (and those of you who are actually reading this are thinking… DUH) Second, It makes me hard to predict, which is a hinder to forming relationships, as I am a hard person to nail down. Third, if the emotion is not a good one, it becomes harder for me to just “get over it” so when I am upset, those feelings linger for DAYS. This means that at times I will be completely disabled due to something someone said (I am including myself in this case) days before.

7. My standard for success (perfection) is way higher than I will ever achieve, and yet I can’t change it. This is partially worsened fuelled by my ADHD. (That seems strange when I write it out, but hear me out)

I have high standards. I always have. I was the smart kid in school (who never did their work) I was the overachiever. (in everything but sports) I am highly competitive when I decide to do something. My ADHD causes me to have a wide range of interests, and causes me to search out new things. (as I said before, this is a good thing)  Unfortunately when I do not understand something quickly, I automatically feel like a failure, as my standard of success feels impossible to reach as soon as I get frustrated. This is where my ADHD becomes a part of the problem. Instead of being able to focus and LEARN something that I perceive as something that I am not good at, or that is “too difficult”, my wonderful ADHD gives me the possibility to turn my focus on a dime to something new.

In other words, Instead of pushing forward through the rough patches, and waiting to feel the gratification, I am very quick to just turn to something new. This pattern continues until I find something that sticks for a few months, and then I hit a bump and start over again. If you look around my house, you will find tons of unfinished craft projects, books, and games, as I was just not able to handle the bumps I encountered while working on them. This causes my house to look like a craft tornado blew through ALL THE TIME.

I don’t want to share a picture, but I will say that its not at hoarder levels, so no need to worry too much!

This scares the shit out of me. I feel like it makes my possibilities of getting a job dangerously low. As much as it is not good for me, it has helped me find a good group of friends in the planning community. My hope is that my love for planning will be the key to me pushing through the bumps in future endeavours.

I do not have the mental focus required to get any more off my chest right now. If you have read this, and you recognise any of these things, please let me know! Leave me a comment, feel free to leave your own list venting about feelings! I would love to get to know you!

So what was that surprise…? surprise

I will share one of my all time favorite videos here with you now! (hopefully it makes you laugh!)

surprise (2)

That was all that I have for today. As many others have done in the days following the death of Chester Bennington, I will also link some numbers to suicide hotlines, and other resources below. Please do not hesitate to use these! Obviously I am also here, and can make my self available to chat to anyone that needs it! I have struggled with my mental health for a LONG time, and I know how it feels to be alone. Please, Please, Please know that you are not alone!

Here you will find a link that has the resources for MANY different countries listed.  Unfortunately I can not vouch for how updated the list is, but at least the numbers for Sweden seem to be accurate.

Here is a list of chat rooms that you can use to talk to someone. It is sorted by category, which makes it a bit easier to find someone who can help with your specific struggle.

Here is a list of websites that have helpful tips, and also can link to more resources. This is helpful if you like reading and are looking for more general forums to post rather than an actual crisis line.

I am so thankful that you took the time to read my blog, and I hope that if you were in need of these resources that you find this. I can not understate to you how much I encourage you to reach out if you are feeling alone. I am here for you!

I would love to know if anyone else with ADHD has some of the same struggles, or even if you don’t have ADHD and feel some of these things. What are some things that you want to get off your chest?! Feel free to share in the comments below, anonymous or not.

sloth bye


2 thoughts on “I wanna heal…”

  1. It was so sad hearing that news about Chester, especially for a singer who sung so well and gave others the encouragement to cope with their issues.

    I’m glad it sounds like there are some good things going on in your life and you can see the positive side, even if not everything is working out as you hoped! Good luck with the apartment!


    1. It definitely came as a shock to so many people. I am just thankful that we had the time that we did to experience his talent. His writing and musical talents touched many people, as he wrote with a level of honesty that made it easy to relate. I am thankful that that will live on for future generations, and I think that he will continue to make a difference for people, even in his physical absence.

      It definitely feels like there are some positive things going on. Life is not always going to be ideal, but I am pretty happy with the way things are moving.

      Thanks for the luck with the apartment! It turns out though that we wound up turning down the apartment, as they could not promise us that we would be able to take our cable/internet contract with us. Unfortunately that is kind of a big deal since we have almost year left on them, and the fee to break it would be ridiculous.

      The good thing about that is that they are listing the other half of the apartments in that neighborhood (that are built the exact same way, same design, same layout, everything) in the fall. Move in times for those is in May/June next year which would be right around the end of the contract. So we are going to apply for those, and hope that we can get high enough up on the list!


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